sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
This baby is an asshole
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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