Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
