I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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