He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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