Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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