I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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