Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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