I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Hippo gnu deer
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
