yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
