Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
