I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
