My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
