Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Randomize
