found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
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