at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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