do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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