i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
