everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
COCAINE IS GR8
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
