i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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