i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
