Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
