i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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