I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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