Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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