this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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