I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
