You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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