I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
