We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
