I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
so let's talk penis.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
