I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
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