i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
