New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
