Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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