i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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