i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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