Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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