I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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