Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
