you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
