I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
