so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
