Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
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