oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
