she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
