you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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