Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just want nice things and good sex
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
