i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
