the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
