I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
