Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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